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Bumper Sticker Ideas (Customer Suggestions - Not the views of Site owner)


Don't be an asshole. Vote Democrat in 2004.
Lottery: A tax on people who can't do math
You non-conformists are all alike.
If you were agoraphobic, you'd be home by now.
4 out of 5 cannibals agree: Vegetarians taste better.
And what difference do you make?
Death to all fanatics
God bless the freaks
I'm marching to a different accordion
What would Xena do?
Deep down inside I'm really very shallow
Drive Carefully: 90% of people are caused by accidents.
Psychedelics often produce psychotic and even violent behavior in those who have never used them
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did: only backwards and in high-heels.
Keep your laws of my body
Women are great leaders, you're following one.
Prochild, pro choice
Wild women don't get the blues
Against abortion? Then don't have one
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a baby?
Just Say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
My other car is a broom
Feminism is the radical notion that women are people
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter-attack.
Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.
I have an ulterior motive for my hidden agenda.
Visualize using your turn signals.
Keep your rosaries off my ovaries.
Change how you see, not how you look.
Every mother is a working mother.
The artless are in charge of funding the arts.
Eye was framed.
Assume nothing
I give evolution two opposable thumbs up!
Humans aren't the only species on earth? We just act like it.
Honk if you think I'm Jesus.
Religious freedom means any religion.
Last time we mixed politics with religion people got burned at the stake.
Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
I believe in life before death.
Militant agnostic: I don't know and you don't either.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?
God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains, and I had to eat him.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
The only constant is change.
HWJD: How would Jesus drive?
God is too big to fit into one religion.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give your friend the keys.
Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
My Karma ran over your dogma.
Question Gender
Don't get even, get odd!
I'm so homophobic, I can't even touch myself.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
Queer: bold or daring, brave, original, unrestrained by existing ideas or conventions, uninhibited.
If you want to wear fur, stop shaving.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open
Kill your television
Come out, come out WHATEVER you are!
Homophobia is a social disease.
Heart attacks: God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Courtesy is contagious.
I'm straight but not narrow.
Fight prime time- read a book.
Mean people suck
Dare to think for yourself.
The labor movement, the folks who brought you the weekend.
Your silence will not protect you.
America needs a second party.
Our factories are all overseas, all we produce here are rich executives.
I'd rather be smashing imperialism.
I lost my job to an underpaid foreign worker and now neither of us can afford the company product.
Support your local revolution.
When you invite people to think you are inviting revolution.
You can have my gun, when you pry it from my paranoid mentally disturbed, physically ?abusive cold, dead hand.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Ignore your rights and they'll go away.
A system that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul's support.
Stop repeat offenders? Don't re-elect them
The problems that we face today will not be solved by the people who created them.
Status Quo, Latin for the mess we're in.
No one is free when others are oppressed.
Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
Commit random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness.
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.
Even a single lamp dispels the darkness.
Lick Bush
Homophobia: insecurity about being heterosexual.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths
Oops, I forgot to have kids.
We're here, we're queer, we're fabulous.
Living in fear sucks!
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will shoot their kids accidentally.
Guns don't kill people! They just make it real easy.
Nation of sheep ruled by wolves, owned by pigs.
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of a cancer cell.
Radical: Greek meaning to go to the root of the problem
The more you can increase fear of drugs and crime, welfare mothers, immigrants and aliens, the more you control all the people.
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.
Stop the war on the working poor
I'm against the death penalty? Look what happened to Jesus.
Join the army; travel to exotic, distant lands; meet exciting unusual people and kill them.
Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under democrats, it's just the opposite.
Better a bleeding heart than no heart at all.
If you're not outraged, your not paying attention.
Peace begins when the hungry are fed.
You cannot Simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need, and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed individuals can change the world, indeed it's the only thing that ever has." ~Margaret Mead
Army: Be All You're Told To Be
Why do we kill people who kill people to show killing people is wrong.
Killing one person is murder? Killing 100,000 is Foreign Policy.
GWB... I didn't vote for his daddy either.
Corporate fathers blame welfare mothers.
Never have so few taken so much from so many for so long.
Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over, if you just sit there.
AT Exxon we help Jesus walk on water.
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative" ~John Stuart Mill
I think therefore I'm dangerous
I don't care if he's dead, I still want to Impeach Nixon.
Feminist Chicks Dig me
A woman's place is everyplace
A woman's place is in the house, senate, and oval office.
"Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." ~Rev. Pat Robertson
"I have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat" ~Rebecca West.
I'll be post-feminist in the post-patriarchy.
I speak fluent patriarchy, but it's not my mother tongue.
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
God is comin', and she is fat!
Equal rights are not special rights
No child is born a racist.
God, protect me from your followers.
Virgin Mary-Unwed mother
The Christian right is neither
It's your hell, you burn in it
Nuke a gay whale for Christ.
Sex education is birth control
If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?
Why be normal?
There they go! I must hurry after them, for I am their leader.
Notice: Intolerance will not be tolerated.
I pledge allegiance to the earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Nuke a godless communist gay baby seal for Christ
Only you can prevent narcissism.
I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death.
Are you a good witch or a bad witch.?
I'm NOT in denial
Praise the children and they will blossom
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize anymore
40% of all statistics are wrong.
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
An erection is not considered personal growth
If God wanted us to be seen naked, we'd have been born that way.
Optimistic-even in the face of reality.
Another American for a work-free drug place

I never thought I'd miss Nixon.
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well
Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow!
Churches only worship the prophet margin
Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING
Don't believe everything you think
My feminine side is lesbian
Without geometry, life is pointless
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
Cats make everything taste better
Stable relationships are for horses
Your body would look good in my trunk
Just say NO to negativity
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade
I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables,walls).
My gamer fragged your honor student
The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
My dog is smarter than your honor student
I feel better after I wine a little.
Squirrels - nature's speed bumps.
I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
The winner of the rat race is still a rat
The Moral Majority is neither
Dyslexics Untie!
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Custer wore an Arrow shirt
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM
I love animals. They're delicious
I poke badgers with spoons
Be alert. The world needs more lerts
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kid.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help
If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please tryto think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states
To err is human, to moo bovine
Think globally, Act galactically
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns
If it's not one thing, it's your mother
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
Don't believe everything you think
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons
Avoid alliterations always
Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way
Dyslexics are teople poo
Jesus is coming. Look busy!
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite
An Apple a day keeps Windows away
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
Double your drive space. Delete Windows
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it
Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm)
My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still
MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
The control key on the keyboard does not work
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at nigh.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly)
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking
People like you are the reason people like me need medication
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time
So many cats, so few recipes
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
Honk if the twins fall out
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming lesbian
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs
My drinking team has a bowling problem
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability
If you can read this, you're not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
Liberal Artsmajor: will think for food
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph
I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it !
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union
Procrastinate now
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake
Rehab is for quitters
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years
Allow me to introduce my selves
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one
There's no place like
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
South Korea's got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Above all else, sky. (thanks to Evets)
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Your stupid!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Democracy Means Elections
One Iraqi, One Vote
Iraqi Oil For Iraqis
A Marshall Plan, Not An Exxon Scam
Roads, Schools, Health Care: Rebuild Iraq, Rebuild America
The right to vote. — It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
The Supreme Court selected — What the voters rejected.
Bush — Winner of the un-popular vote!
Not a divider, a DUI driver
The Dubya Presidency doesn't COUNT!
Jews for Buchanan
My Grandma voted in Palm Beach and all I got was this lousy President
(Designed like Bush/Cheney stickers) PUTSCH / CHICANERY
(Designed like Bush/Cheney stickers) BUSH / CHEATED
Don't blame me, my vote didn't count
Don't blame me, I voted for the smart one
Don't blame me, I voted in Florida
Don't blame me, I voted with the majority
Don't blame me, I TRIED to vote
My President is Al Gore
Make like a Bush and leave.
Florida — run by Banana Republicans Error 404- File "Florida Electoral Votes" not found
Bush: We misunderestimated him
IS Our Children Learning?
Bush: Holding America Hostile
Dubya Dubya Dubya dot thief dot con
Bush: "Let them eat chad."
Bush for Lawn Ornament
2001: Revenge of the Chad Eaters
My other President is a Democrat
If you can read this, you're smarter than George W. Bush
January 20, 2001: It's MOURNING in America
One Man, One Vote* (*May only apply in certain states)
America: One Nation Under Fraud
Al Gore: In your heart, you know he won
MORE voted for GORE
Bush: The W in DWI and AWOL
Three Strikes and You're President
J.E.B. -- Junk Every Ballot
PRO-CHOICE: Every President a Wanted President
George W. Bush: Prince of Thieves
Gore 50,765,453; Bush 5
I support a VOTER'S right to CHOOSE
Bush 5, Democracy 4
The Emperor Has No Clothes
Jail to the Thief
It's the stupidity, stupid
Bush: A Thousand Pints of Lite
This President is a bad precedent
All votes are equal, but some are more equal than others
Bush 2000: Tough as Nails and Just as Smart
RE-elect Gore in 2004!
2001: A Space Cadet in the White House
Bush: Selected, Not Elected
These colors don't run the world.
One nation under surveillance.
How did our oil get under their sand?
Who would Jesus bomb?
It's the oil, stupid.
War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
Read between the Pipelines
Smart weapons, Dumb president.
The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.
How many lives per gallon?
Peace Takes Brains
Anything War can do, Peace can do better.
Negotiation Not Annihilation.
Another patriot for peace.
Oh Say can You Cease?

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A day without sunshine is, like, night.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Eschew obfuscation.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
Editing is a rewording activity.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive, anyway
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
I don't have a problem with willpower. It's won't power I have a problem with
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
We do precision guesswork.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
All good things in moderation ..... including moderation
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else..
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie.
Clones are people two.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.... Then things get worse.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum mechanics: The stuff dreams are made of.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots... I married their king.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursingMen are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I can resist anything but temptation
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

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